I was watching a kids show with my daughter this morning, and a bunch of the characters had given birthday presents to another character. The birthday character didn’t like the presents - but why? It turned out that each of the “givers” had considered what they would want if it was their birthday and given that as a gift. Not surprisingly, the birthday character was disappointed. Ultimately, they all learned the underlying lesson and everything was right with the world again. But this reminded me of some important life skills - being “other-focused” and “knowing your audience”.
For a long time, one of my pet peeves has been the “Golden Rule”. Why? Because it states, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Now you may wonder why that simple, lovely statement puts me off. I first want to acknowledge that I understand that the intention of the statement is good - we want people to be kind to each other, not to do harm. BUT, this message needs to be tweaked. Instead of framing the situation around myself, I should be framing it around the other person. “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” This puts the focus on the other person. After all, if I frame my thinking around my needs and desires, how is that honoring the other person as an individual?
So often it’s easy to operate in a self-centered way, even when we have the best intentions. For example, I go and visit a sick friend because after all, I would want company if I were stuck at home. I bring my son balloons after a big performance because, after all, I used to love balloons as a kid. I give my employees autonomy to “run with it” because, after all, that’s what I want from my manager.
(We don’t always consciously say the “because after all” part of those sentences, but our subconscious leaks it into our thinking a lot of the time.)
In reality, my sick friend likes being home alone when she’s sick because she gets the chance to watch Netflix streaming. Though she feels lousy, she relishes the time to be alone and indulge in guilty pleasures. My son would have rather had glow sticks or a blow pop than balloons. And my employee is actually more comfortable checking in with me rather than “running with it”.
My intention in each of the situations was to be thoughtful, but while that was my intention, I missed the mark because I framed my action around myself. If I had really “known my audience” in each of the situations and actively been “other-focused”, my actions would have been different. Sometimes it’s impossible to know exactly what someone else needs or wants, I admit. But often, if I really think about it, I can put myself if their shoes, though it may take a little more thought (or a little more attention up-front). If I really don’t know, maybe that’s when I should ask instead of assume - give the other person options and see what’s best for them.
I ask for your thoughts - How often do we categorize people based on limited information, assume we know them, determine what’s best without inviting them to share their thoughts? How much could we increase happiness, motivation, inspiration, productivity, collaboration, learning if we actively engaged our colleagues, children, spouses, friends, family in a way that truly honored their needs and wants in concert with our own? What training / coaching / education / tools do we need to spur this type of mindset shift in our communities, organizations and homes?
Some of you may already be experts with these skills - please share your knowledge and thoughts with others so that they can become experts, too. And I'll take your advice as well - please leave a comment!
Until next time.
